They said that motherhood would change me. That it would make me boring. That it would put me in a different stage than my friends. “Not me” I thought. I mean, sure, I knew some things would change. But me? As a person? Nah.
I recently downloaded the timehop app. It’s innocent enough in theory – it scans your social media and shows you pictures & posts from the same day last year, 2 years ago, etc. Throwback Thursday for dummies, if you will.
In practice, it’s a walk down memory lane that torments me daily with FEELINGS because it sends me pictures of G when she was an infant. And the fact that she is now trying to walk everywhere is a daily reminder that those days, they are gone.
And every once in a while, a picture will appear from college. Or from the first few years when I was living in Dallas after graduation. I adore those pictures. They are from such a fun season of life.
But if I’m being honest? I also look at them and sometimes wonder who that girl is.
Because that girl? She doesn’t know G yet. She doesn’t know her husband yet. She hasn’t met her family. (We didn’t have selfie sticks or even iPhones in ye olden days when I took this picture. Enjoy my arm)
She is young and fun and full of hope for her future. She wonders what her family will look like one day. But those thoughts are fleeting. Because when you dream or wonder about “someday” you never actually consider that “someday” will actually, at some point, be “today”.
I had it in the back of my head during this time, this child-free single girl time, that THESE were the most fun days of my life (as evidenced by my awesome shades here).
And in so many ways they were.
And in even more ways, I didn’t have a clue of how full life would someday be.
That girl didn’t know that one of her greatest joys would come from hearing her daughter crack herself up after discovering a new sound she can make.
She didn’t know that she would one day turn all of those sorority songs into lullabies, because at 2 am they were all she could remember.
She didn’t know that she would sing and dance through her morning routines, just to get a smile from her daughter.
Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade the fun of my early 20’s for anything. God completely used that time to give me the sweetest of friendships. Friendships that pick up where they leave off with such ease. These girls are so dear to me.
But oh my gosh. I look at those pictures and I think, “She doesn’t even know. She doesn’t know what Love is. She hasn’t met her daughter.”
It is entirely true, by the way, that the love you feel for your child cannot be put into words. Everyone says it. And now I am one of those people saying it (how cliche and annoying, amiright?) But when you have a child, your heart – your soul – expands in ways you did not know was possible. You understand Love in an entirely new way. You marvel at how much God loves us, because the Love you feel for your child is so life-changing, so all-consuming…and you know that, somehow, He loves you more. It leaves me in a rare spot – speechless.
So has motherhood changed me? You betcha. In all the most wonderful, beautiful, and tender ways.
I am better for being a mother. There is no greater gift. And I am so glad that I have finally met G.
And, G? If you read this someday – thank you for showing me what Love is.