I know Mother’s Day is coming up – you know – that made up holiday created to celebrate you. You’re doing an adequate job and I’m sure dad will get you the flowers and yada yada yada – but I think this time is better spent reviewing my list of grievances. You should use this as an opportunity for some self-reflection. Just improve on these things and I think we’ll all have a more peaceful existence.
List Of Grievances*:
1. Food. Please keep better track of my likes and dislikes. Just because I gleefully eat strawberries one day does NOT mean you are permitted to place them on on my high chair the next. My food preferences are tied to the lunar cycle & whether or not Mars is in retrograde. It’s up to you to crack the code.
2. Walking – I mean honestly, do you see how short my legs are? Why would you make me get myself from one place to another? It’s not like I weigh *that* much and your left bicep is looking pretty toned thanks to me. Stop being lazy and carry me around so I don’t over-exert myself.
3. Not Walking – What are you trying to do – stunt my development? I need to walk around and explore my surroundings unhindered by you and your restrictions. I especially need to do this when we are in a store, near open water, or any place that has items that I either need to taste or throw.
4. Wake Up Time – Please be more diligent in monitoring my sleep patterns. You know, REM, Non-REM, basic stuff. You need to arrive in my room exactly one half of one second before I awake. Too early, and you will have woken me up and I will be forced to wail. Too late and I will have to endure the torment of being alone in my room until your arrival. And – it goes without saying – but in order to expedite your arrival I will use all of my lung power to let you know that I am ready to start the day.
5. Clothing – What in the world are you thinking trying to put fabric on my body? Pants are evil. Pure evil. I don’t understand the need to cover my thighs. Also: Hats? Fuhgettaboutit. If I want the sun to burn the top of my bald head that is my choice. MINE. I’m drafting a separate letter to address the issue of shoes, so don’t think you’re getting off in that foot torture department.
6. Bathtime – You better have a grandparent on standby to facetime me during this aquatic adventure. If not given the opportunity to properly show off my splashing skills I am not going to be thrilled with this nightly event. You and dad don’t count as a satisfactory audience – you’ve seen all my tricks and don’t get nearly as excited as grandma and grandpa. They’re the only ones I really care about anyway.
7. Phone Access – I resent not being granted unrestricted access to your iPhone. Do you know there are pictures and videos of me on there? I LOVE ME. I need to see more of me. So what if I accidentally call some guy you went to college with that you haven’t talked to in ten years? That’s just carelessness on your part and a small price to pay so I can have unrestricted access to ME.
8. Keys – Second to your phone, these are the best toys in the entire house. Forget that expensive wagon or the dolls that Santa guy provided, your keys are what I need to play with. I’m just trying to give you the gift of a scavenger hunt for them every time you try to leave for work in the morning. Don’t be a fun sponge. Just hand over the keys.
Momma, we’ll stop with 8 things this year. But keep in mind that this list will carry over until next year if I don’t see significant strides.
With love and great hope,
*This list is subject to change with absolutely no notice. Just do your best to keep up.