List of Grievances


Dear Momma,

I know Mother’s Day is coming up – you know – that made up holiday created to celebrate you.  You’re doing an adequate job and I’m sure dad will get you the flowers and yada yada yada – but I think this time is better spent reviewing my list of grievances. You should use this as an opportunity for some self-reflection. Just improve on these things and I think we’ll all have a more peaceful existence.

List Of Grievances*:

1. Food. Please keep better track of my likes and dislikes. Just because I gleefully eat strawberries one day does NOT mean you are permitted to place them on on my high chair the next.  My food preferences are tied to the lunar cycle & whether or not Mars is in retrograde.  It’s up to you to crack the code.

2. Walking – I mean honestly, do you see how short my legs are?  Why would you make me get myself from one place to another?  It’s not like I weigh *that* much and your left bicep is looking pretty toned thanks to me.  Stop being lazy and carry me around so I don’t over-exert myself.

3. Not Walking – What are you trying to do – stunt my development?  I need to walk around and explore my surroundings unhindered by you and your restrictions.  I especially need to do this when we are in a store, near open water, or any place that has items that I either need to taste or throw.

4. Wake Up Time – Please be more diligent in monitoring my sleep patterns.  You know, REM, Non-REM, basic stuff.  You need to arrive in my room exactly one half of one second before I awake.  Too early, and you will have woken me up and I will be forced to wail.  Too late and I will have to endure the torment of being alone in my room until your arrival.  And – it goes without saying – but in order to expedite your arrival I will use all of my lung power to let you know that I am ready to start the day.

5. Clothing – What in the world are you thinking trying to put fabric on my body? Pants are evil. Pure evil.  I don’t understand the need to cover my thighs.  Also: Hats? Fuhgettaboutit. If I want the sun to burn the top of my bald head that is my choice. MINE. I’m drafting a separate letter to address the issue of shoes, so don’t think you’re getting off in that foot torture department.

6. Bathtime – You better have a grandparent on standby to facetime me during this aquatic adventure. If not given the opportunity to properly show off my splashing skills I am not going to be thrilled with this nightly event.  You and dad don’t count as a satisfactory audience – you’ve seen all my tricks and don’t get nearly as excited as grandma and grandpa. They’re the only ones I really care about anyway.

7. Phone Access – I resent not being granted unrestricted access to your iPhone.  Do you know there are pictures and videos of me on there? I LOVE ME. I need to see more of me.  So what if I accidentally call some guy you went to college with that you haven’t talked to in ten years?  That’s just carelessness on your part and a small price to pay so I can have unrestricted access to ME.

8. Keys – Second to your phone, these are the best toys in the entire house.  Forget that expensive wagon or the dolls that Santa guy provided, your keys are what I need to play with.  I’m just trying to give you the gift of a scavenger hunt for them every time you try to leave for work in the morning.  Don’t be a fun sponge. Just hand over the keys.

Momma, we’ll stop with 8 things this year.  But keep in mind that this list will carry over until next year if I don’t see significant strides.

With love and great hope, 

Your toddler.

*This list is subject to change with absolutely no notice. Just do your best to keep up.


46 thoughts on “Happy Mother’s Day: A List of Grievances From My Toddler

  1. Tricia

    This list is super cute! I would like to add “wiping my face” to the list. It’s like I’m trying to torture my son or something! Sharing.

    1. Kelly Post author

      Yes! I can’t believe she didn’t add that ;). I mean, why wouldn’t you want to walk around with leftover food on your face – future snacks right there!

  2. Amanda

    This is hilarious. I was just thinking how tough I’m having it right now with my preteen. I need to make a list like this for her. This list reminds me of her at that age…so good luck!

    1. Kelly Post author

      I bet some of the toddler grievances are pretty similar to teenage grievances – phone, keys…just for different reasons!

  3. Leslie

    This is SO FUNNY. Parts that resonated with me especially: 1) the keys–once my pre-verbal toddler put them somewhere and we were astonished to find that when we asked him he was able to locate and return them. 😉 2) the biceps–my #3 was REALLY BIG (12 lbs at birth, 75 lbs. by age four) and when I did a fitness test at the Y I sucked at everything except to biceps part in which I got an excellent rating!!

    1. Kelly Post author

      How awesome that he returned them! Little prodigy right there!

      Also – 12 lbs AT BIRTH?? You are basically a superhero.

  4. Amy @Planning Playtime

    Parenting humor always makes me smile, and a lot of these were WAY to familiar. I’m loving the “Pants are pure evil,” and the key theft nearly puts me over the edge. Thanks for making me smile today 🙂

  5. Ali

    Hahaha… this is hysterical and so true. I absolutely love how you captured this. Oh and Happy Mothers Day 🙂

    1. Kelly Post author

      Ha – I’m sure that’s true! Just the one kiddo in our house though so we haven’t fought the good fight of “share your toys” or “that is his give it back”. Everything is hers and she knows it – yikes!

  6. Yanique

    Oh the fickle habits of a toddler. This is hilarious. They really do prefer keys over toys, pots and pans are a close second.

  7. Rachel

    This is the best Toddler list ever written. Reading this was my first laugh of the day!! Thank you! And yes, they do love pictures of themselves & constantly want unrestricted iPhone access for THAT reason. Oh, and the food. I’m at wit’s end with a picky eater. This was wonderful, and well written! Thank you!

  8. Jaya Pandey

    Awww…this is so cute. Totally resonates my daughter’s feelings. And for her, when it is bath time…’fuhgetaboutit’. Loved dis post. Happy Mother’s day to u too.

  9. Colleen @ MommieDaze

    Toddlers really are little tyrants aren’t they? Mine are older and they still have a list of grievances, but now they also have a list of arguments to back up their grievances.

  10. Kim @ This Ole Mom

    Your list is hilarious ! I think my child would have agreed pants were pure evil , I could never keep them on him when he was a toddler. Thanks for the laugh!!

    1. Kelly Post author

      Glad it gave you a laugh & glad to know others have fought the good fight of getting pants on a toddler!

  11. Haley

    Oh my gosh this just had me cracking up. It is amazing how some items on this list are eerily similar to what my six year old might say as well! I can make dinner for the kids one night and they will eat the whole dang dish with zero complaints (and zero noise which, in my stepmommy world, means it’s gooooood!). I can make that same dinner two weeks later and everyone refuses to eat because they have simultaneously contracted stomach aches. There is no winning! Thanks for making this adorable list!

    <3 Haley @

  12. Crystal Bissonnette

    My girlfriend and I were just joking the other day how we were going to have our toddlers judge who is the grumpier mom at the end of the day 🙂 Toddlers have a mind of their own. And they are always right… 😉

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