I’m one of those odd people who actually kinda likes going to the dentist. I enjoy the squeaky-clean feel of my teeth after I leave. I’m pretty much good with the good ole tooth doctor as long as it’s not x-ray day. I loathe x-ray day. They cover you with body armor, shove stuff in your mouth, then flee the vicinity like they know a hangry lion is lurking around the next corner and they’ve left you there, weighed down by the metal vest, to become breakfast so they can save themselves.
This visit marked something new for me. I was straightforward in the response to question of whether or not I floss. In the past I’ve answered with a noncommittal “sometimes” or “when I can” or “I need to be better.” Last week I just came out and said no. I’m not a flosser. Just like I’m not a ninja.
Unfortunately, I had a new hygienist and she did not take kindly to my candor. As a direct result of my failure to tell a white lie I spent the majority of the visit holding a hand mirror and being told all the ways I am failing my gums. “See here? Bad. And here? Also Bad.”
At some point I began singing, “Bad, bad. Really, really bad” to myself. Who knew a trip to the dentist could magically transform you into a Michael Jackson music video?
And – to add insult to injury – some cruel person has invented a teeny tiny camera that they can put in your mouth to take pictures with. So, in addition to the hand mirror of shame, my viewing of the Today Show was interrupted by images of my teeth on the big screen.
Here’s something to note, you don’t want to see your teeth and gums on the big screen. It’s too much information. Just trust me on this.
And in the event that I get a bunch of comments from flossers on this post shaming my non-flossing ways – allow me to defend myself. I have a toddler. She can be found clinging to my legs and screeching when I brush my teeth. Can’t it be good enough that I am able to brush my teeth twice a day? Can’t the Gum Gods give me a little flossing grace period? I use a fancy electric toothbrush! Can’t that count for something?
If you’ve made it this far, you’ve now suffered through around 400 words on flossing. To which I say: Have higher standards, Dear Reader.
And don’t forget to floss. Or at least have the good sense to lie about it.
(Mom, if you’re reading this I am JUST KIDDING. My gums are TOTALLY FINE and all the orthodontic work you and dad paid for is totes not going to waste. Promise.)