I Dream In Muppet – And Other Things I Must Momfess

I’m linking up to day with Andrea at Momfessionals for “Show and Tell Tuesday” to talk about our “Momfessionals Moments”.

Momfessions.  We all have them, am I right?  Things that you have found yourself doing ONLY since becoming a mother – things that never even entered your mind before you brought a tiny human into the world.

I want to share so many momfessions with you all, but I need you to know that I have stared at this screen for a sweet forever trying to come up with what to write.  Not for lack of content, mind you, just – WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN?

Do I talk about some of my very glamorous post birth experiences? No, Kelly, no. Nobody needs to know about *that* thing that happened. It’s too much to share with strangers on the internet.

Or the (first) time I cut her finger while clipping her nails? Or the time I realized that I had never actually washed behind her ears? Or the time I stepped on her hand when she was crawling around the kitchen while I fixed dinner?

I could go on.

Instead, what I think I’ll do is give you 5 ways I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I’m a momma.

1. I Dream in Muppet

When people are mastering a foreign language, they say that they know they are really becoming fluent when they start dreaming in that language.  Well, I’m apparently becoming fluent in Muppet.  The other night, I had a dream composed entirely of Muppets.  And no, it’s not that I had suddenly found myself in an episode of Sesame Street.  Just, real people in my life were in Muppet form.  Terrifying.

2. Blow Out is a Double Entendre

A few days ago I was scrolling through Instagram and saw this:

I read “post a pic of your blowout” and my immediate next thought was, “Ew. WHY? I don’t want to see that from my own kid let alone the blowouts of other babies.”

And then it occurred to me that the contest has nothing at all to do with diapers.  And I think it’s clear that it’s been a few zillion years since my hair has been professionally blown out.

3. I Have No Idea What Fleek Means.

Who is Fleek? What is Fleek? Am I to be on Fleek or off Fleek or in or around or (insert another preposition here) Fleek?  Also, who started this word? Is it a mash up of fleas and meek? or flowers and week? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

4. We Qualify For the Early Bird Discount

The darndest thing happens when your child has a 7:00 bedtime: they have to eat before then.  At home, this is easily accomplished.  We can eat around 6 or 6:30 and then off to dreamland she goes.  But if we want to go to a restaurant we have to get there around 5 or 5:30 because we have to be Defensive Diners.  We have to stay one step ahead of any impending meltdown.  And, of course, allot for the extra time it takes when you’re eating out.  Because 7 p.m. sneaks up on you faster than you’d think.

5. I Dress With Boob Exposure in Mind

Never in my life did I imagine a scenario where I’d be getting dressed and thinking, “what can I put on that I can easily flop out a boob?”  Speed is of the essence when it comes to semi-discrete nursing.  When you are nursing a toddler you need to be able to get that ta-ta out with a quickness before said toddler creates a crazy scene bobbing for apples on your chest.

Motherhood is very glamorous, don’t you think?

Posted by Kelly & filed under Motherhood. This post has 8 comments.